April 2015, it's probably going to be one of the most memorable months for me and my family. Within a few days we had to come to terms that life wasn't simple for us. As selfish and big headed as I am, I have always known that my mom is the core of our family. She keeps our tempers in check and is the draw many of the times for our family get togethers. Despite her blunt comments about weight, hair, clothes, jobs, and marital status you knew that underneath she cared and did everything she could to keep our lives happy and together.
Then all of a sudden she has become dependent. She has to come to terms with a cancer, and I think we can all agree having cancer is already bad enough, but has to live with the complication from having this cancer - that it has injured her spine and she can't walk. And now it's our turn to try to keep our family lives together. I say that but in all actuality we have no idea what we are doing. We are spread out as a family and we all want to help but I think are partially scared of taking that leadership role that is still vacant. This pressure instead of bringing us together has so far made us uncomfortable and my mom is still trying to take the role of bringing calmness in the mean time.
I write this because right now I'm feeling lost. I want to help but I'm scared about changing my life. I'm nervous about accepting the weight of being a caregiver that I've witnessed from working with my own patients. But I also am scared to become that person that I don't respect, the family member that isn't completely there.
I'm going through days of feeling positive and days of feeling defeated. Let's just hope I can make those positive days last longer than the other. I know the people close to me are trying their best to be there for me and I unfairly seek too much comfort from them right now.
As tough as the next several weeks are going to be, I do have some hope. Hope that she will get stronger and can be put in remission. Hope that this experience will help me build empathy for my patients and their families, that it will also build patience and appreciation for those around me.
Here's to crossing my fingers.
